Thursday, October 07, 2004

WTF is Dr. Phil (on CBS) a Doctor, Still?

WTF is Dr. Phil (on CBS) a Doctor, Still?


I think I know enough of Phil to say that

For the ruining

Of kids whose heads aren’t on quite straight

Phil does just great, and makes me ill.


A week ago on CBS the Doctor’s guest, a boy of nine

Had certain problems of behavior. Enter Dr. Phil, the savior

Not of kids, but CBS, whose ratings have begun to sag

And plummet since the final sonnet of the awful “Jag.”


Astutely Dr. Phil attended to the boy’s internal damage

Casting with his trenchant eye upon the lad, expression sad

And noted in his gentle way that for the boy a violent rampage

Inevitably waits; its just a question now of dates.


As clear as day the reason why, intoned Phil with a heartfelt sigh

Within this lad—inside his head, beneath the surface charmer—

There lurks the darker spirit of the killer known as Dahmer

Thank goodness Phil has got the moxy to expose this Dahmer proxy!

In terms of score its Phil with ONE

And Jeffrey Dahmer junior, NONE


The D.C. Post at least has said that Dr. Phil should have his head

Examined with a probe of sorts, that goes in deep and really hurts.

They say that Phil and CBS could not have helped their young guest less.

And argue that great shame must rest on Dr. Phil and Les Moonves.


On TV, I submit that Phil looks less than well and may be ill.

His flappy lips, his shiny pate, his every tic and jerk suggest

That inner trouble agitates, and medication would be best.

Perhaps some leeches like they used to use in Ancient Rome

Could be affixed to suck upon the Doctor’s balding dome

For leeches, such a massive pate would surely be a roomy home.


A theory recently put forth by agents from the FBI

Suggests a darker reason for the Doctor’s “crazy eye”

Apparently his egotistic manner--call it “windy”

For pomposity of bluster’s only matched by Teddy Bundy


If it was me, its Phil I’d worry Felt like eating me with curry.